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I am 38, Parent's died in my early 20's no siblings, no other family. have had no friends, what friends I had just used me or stole money from me then threw me away. in my 20's I was homeless and going town to town state to state had many day jobs, did many things learned many skills. volunteered sitting with people who were dying and had no one there. learned to read and write at age 20, I volunteered in homeless shelters, children's hospitals reading books and drawing with children who had cancer and other diseases and were dying. I volunteered in no kill animal shelters. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am at a loss of what to do. I would go to the park and hang with people and would even play tackle football with some guys at the park, never knew them just walked up asked if I could join they said sure told me what to do and I did it. Did boxing for a few months, got my CDL but no trucking company would hire me , worked for a band etc. did construction jobs had my own landscape company etc.
Now here I am in my late 30's pushing 40, single, alone, no kids, no education, learning issues crippling me from being able to further my education. Made a facebook account and have no one to add on it no groups to join, I have no one to talk too daily. I am on disability unable to work. I have arthritis crippling me from my lower back to my feet and every where in between. Lucky if I can even walk a mile and stand for an hour at this point. Past ten years I have tried to get my GED and failed and have tried getting a fundraiser and getting grants and getting companies and churches and such to invest in me as I start a shelter to take in teens 18 to 25 who are homeless and help them get off the streets and on their feet and help get them a job and their own place. all the while trying to find a girlfriend someone to love and settle down with and make a life with and be with all at the same time as I try to start a couple of businesses of my own that also got shut down in my face while living in this dead end town that has sucked the life out of me. I have no family, no friends, I go months to years no one to talk too, no one who calls say hey whats up, no one who calls to talk about the new game of thrones episode etc. or just to bitch about their dog shitting in their shoe and pissing on their bed while chewing up all the toilet paper in the house. I have put myself out there for the past eight years in the dating scene trying to find a woman to date and settle down with. I have been rejected around 1600 times and told I am ugly, disgusting, worthless, useless, told I have nothing to offer a woman or give a woman, mocked at laughed at, told I don't deserve love or a relationship, told I needed to end my life for being so fat and lazy. 7 nights ago I had 10 women reply to my dating post telling me they loved what they read about me, they wanted to get to know me, they wanted the same things in a relationship etc etc etc. all of them ghosted me once they found out I was obese. all but one, One was a single mom of 4 by 4 different men, living with her parents no job, an alcoholic then told me if it was an issue she understood. we talked for half an hour, she sent a pic. I sent one back. when she seen my weight she said hell no, I should be ashamed of myself and I am worse than a drug addict and I need to end my life. there is no way she would ever be with someone as horribly fat as I am. but right before that she was talking about how funny I was, how she couldn't find any decent genuine men like me. how I seem to have a great heart and so on.
I just feel like my life went from something really good to a complete waste of nothing and I am now nothing but a worthless failure that doesn't deserve anything and can't do anything with my life anymore no matter how hard I try. I just fail at everything I do now.
I rent a room from an elderly woman who is in bad health and I give her 350 a month all bills paid. and if she dies I will be homeless. no car, no where to live. no family, no friends. homeless and on the street with arthritis in my back my knees ankles feet unable to walk more than a mile in a town with no uber lyft taxi or city bus
an hour from any town either direction one way I have absolutely no one, no where to go every night when I go to sleep I wonder if this is the last night I will be here and every morning I wake up i wake her up to see if shes alive and for her to check her blood sugar for her diabetes and hoping to god shes still alive. I get 790 a month every room I find to rent they want 400 plus half in bills. I can't afford that. I can only afford 350 with all bill included and no one will do that. and if I do find anyone who will they don't want me on disability they want me working and no one will rent to me because of my weight I've had people turn me down over my weight and rooms with all bills paid are around 500 to 600 a month.
I have meds, and copays to drs and other things I need to get through the month not counting food.
I cant afford that on my 790 a month check I don't know what to do anymore. I was supposed to be in Wisconsin last month for an apartment complex for low income, been on the waiting list for years finally got called up. but when it came time I couldn't get there, didn't have the money for the bus ticket, for rent, and to have the lights turned on. was trying to save but things came up around here that took the savings. I bought a car last year but got scammed out of 3 thousand.I don't know what to do anymore. I am at a loss of what to do. It seems like everything I do or everything I come up with either blows up in my face or I get scammed out of or it just is a closed door. and I am feeling like I am just meant to be alone in this world forever. . I just dunno anymore what to do. I'm so broken beyond fixing at this point. I can't take anymore.
